The world breaks everyone, and afterward, some are strong at the broken places.
~Ernest Hemingway
Honestly, how do you feel about your mom?
Do you enjoy her company or avoid her like a sunburn?
Does her number on your cell phone screen make your heart fall into your feet?
Is she the one who knows it all?
Then you’re in the right place. Keep reading.
So your Mom’s always right. She likes talking about her smart self, even to your friends. Never listens and dismisses you as if you were saying nonsense.
She gets easily jealous, constantly criticizes and calls you names. You feel obliged to do whatever she wants not to risk bringing her rage upon yourself.
She takes credit for your achievements like they were her own. Never says she’s sorry or admits her mistakes.
You feel responsible for your Mom’s emotional well-being but her moods are unpredictable. She often “greets” you with diminishing remarks. What was it last time you saw her–your hair, choice of clothes or your weight?
Sometimes, she insists on getting your opinion—only to blame you later for wrong advice.
And how well do you remember your childhood?
Not very, I guess.
Still, do you recall how …
- she invited her friends, not yours to your birthday parties?
- she sent you away for months to grandparents or summer camps against your will?
- you felt getting on her nerves?
- she forgot her promises and let you down?
- she told you that you were a mistake?
Sigh …
If you withhold love from a child, you may as well withhold air. ~UnknownClick To TweetHave you heard, “I love you, you are beautiful” or “Love has to be earned” instead?
Were her hands soft and caring or did they cause you pain?
Have you been (even secretly) terrified of her?
Did she treat you differently in other’s presence, so nobody knew how cruel she was in her own kingdom?
Yep.
And now that you are grown, she expects complete loyalty and manipulates you with guilt.
Every time you’re with your Mom, you feel like you are losing yourself. Your willpower shrinks like a ruptured balloon leaving you face down at her feet.
Sometimes, you feel like there is an invisible wall between you and the world. That you don’t belong.
Hopeless and scared you will never be free.
I know.
That’s how I felt for most of my life.
But not anymore.
And you don’t have to feel this way either.
Let me explain.
Dear Mad Mom
I hated her, and I loved her.
I rejected her, and I longed for her approval.
I cried out loud, and I went numb.
I succumbed to her, and I fought her.
I was trapped, and I struggled to break free.
She wanted me to be like her, and I wanted to be me.
She pushed me away, and I tried desperately to stay close.
I ran away but couldn’t crack the cord, letting Mom suck the light out of me.
I disengaged leaving her on her own but to no relief.
I wrote her letters about indifferent stuff, but I didn’t dare to speak of our wrenched relationship.
Now it’s too late.
Sent or kept to myself, those letters are the evidence of my heart-bleeding and my recovery.
They’re steps on a ladder that took me out of burning Hell.
Mothers Who Don’t Know How to Love
Who are they–mothers we love and we hate? Whom we can’t escape even when we are on the other side of the globe? Who clutches the key to our happiness even from the other side of the grave?
Difficult mother has many names:
Pathological narcissist, borderline, OCD, bipolar or a mixture of the above (DSM-V).
Controlling, angry, envious or emotionally unavailable.
Narcissistic or self-absorbed.
Some might call her a vampire or simply a bitch.
Being around her is like walking through the minefield not knowing where the dangerous spot will be. Until the ground explodes throwing you into the air. Out of breath, disoriented, and helpless.
Ouch …
That hurts.
Daughters Who Don’t Know How to Heal
Let me tell you a secret–you’re not lost. You can heal.
Did you know that?
I didn’t. Falling apart emotionally, mentally, and physically. Feeling anxious, tired and depressed, I saw the world through a smoky veil of derealization.
I believed all families were like mine. And that nothing ever would change.
But life proved me wrong.
“Your mother abuses you,” my therapist said sending me into a state of shock.
“That can’t be. No way.”
The truth was too painful to absorb.
Then suddenly everything started making sense.
Accepting what I was put through was the first step in my recovery.
The first step [to recovery] is to understand the problem, to diagnose it, and to get the background information that defines it.
~Karyl McBride, PhD.
But what happened next was even better.
Let the Healing Begin
Feel like a victim?
Don’t.
As adults, we can’t blame others for our hardship.
Your happiness is your responsibility-own it.Click To TweetYour mother’s happiness not.
40 per cent of our happiness is within our power to change and can be controlled by what we do and how we think–our intentional activities and strategies.
~Sonia Lyubomirsky
You’re not crazy, flawed, or hopeless. Stop viewing the world through the crooked mirror of your Mom’s mental distortion.
You are good.
And you’re stronger than you might believe.
Your Mom will probably never change.
But you can.
Let the healing begin.
Need help? Feel free to leave a comment below or write directly to me: Irina [at] lovegrowbehappy.com
I answer all emails.
Images: Pixabay, StockSnap.
Venice Scott says
Just realized I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse. Educating myself as much as possible on this devastating matter.
Vee Scott says
Just realized I have been a victim of narcissistic abuse from my mother. Educating myself as much as possible on this devastating matter.
Irina says
Understanding what happened to you is important for healing. Now you know that you were a victim of a narcissistic abuse, and none of it was your fault.
Now you’re an adult and your life is your responsibility. I urge you to take an active position and start your healing journey. It will be long but probably the most fulfilling journey of your life.
Thank you for stopping by. Come back for more on healing from childhood trauma. 🙂
Binta Vunobolki says
Yes I’ve been going through this for years I feel I’m trapped. I need more material to help deal with this.
Irina says
That’s a heavy feeling. But maybe you’re not trapped but stuck? Sometimes feeling trapped comes from our impatience–we want to get healed very fast. How long have you been dealing with your trauma?
Understanding alone of what’s going on isn’t enough, we have to work on our issues. And we may need help.
What material do you need? If you have any suggestions, please, let me know and I will do my best to help you with that. Just write in here or send me a private message.
Thank you for stopping by and for your comment.
Deborah Bernstein says
Do you have individual counseling?
Irina says
If you are interested in individual counseling, please, contact me via email:
Irina [at] lovegrowbehappy [.]com
Thank you.
Courtney says
I’ve known my mother is a narcissist for a while now and I’ve forgiven her and have accepted the fact that she won’t ever be the mother I hoped she’d be one day. I’m ok with that, I’m quite strong. What I struggle with is my inability to connect with people on a deep level and I just feel so different and incomplete as a human being. It’s painful and I feel as though I don’t belong here. I’ve read many books, maybe I can try talking with someone again, but I guess it would be uplifting to know that it may be possible to not feel so empty one day because it’s difficult feeling this way.
Irina says
Hi Courtney,
First of all, let me congratulate you on a very important step – you’ve accepted your mom for who she is, and you don’t expect her to change.
I feel that you’re grieving. It is an important part of your healing. Painful, yes but, as any grief, it will get easier in time. To talk to someone may be helpful – you need all support you can get.
But there are other ways of helping yourself to fill the void – music, art, yoga, theater, writing and lots more. Find what makes you feel better and brings joy.
You will be fine because you are strong, brave, and smart. I wish you all the best.
Ayesha says
Thank you very much for this article, it was very helpful. I am 33 years old and only discovered that my mother is a narcissist within the last year. Up until that point, I’d always blamed myself for our relationship. I am working on the ‘acceptance’ part of this process at the moment as old thought patterns are hard to break. However, I am doing exactly that – be it slowly. I’ve also gathered my closest people and have asked them to remind me of this as well as of how far I have come.
Thank you again for your insight.
Irina says
Dear Ayesha,
Thank you for letting me know that my article helped you. You’re right – it does take time to go through the process, so “slow” is the exact right speed 🙂
I’m happy to hear that you have people in your life who understand and support you. It is so important.
I wish a great life. 🙂
Vivian says
This past year I have had the eye opening revelation that the problems I’ve had with my mom are because she is a narcissist,possibly bi-polar. It’s been so amazing to be able to say,that’s the kind of abuse I’ve experienced my whole life,when before I just thought it was my fault!
What I struggle with now is whether to go no contact with her. My mother is so toxic to me, that I can’t bring myself to even talk on the phone with her. I ask myself,what would my life be like if she weren’t in it? Do a lot of daughters of narcissist mom’s have to ultimately make this choice?
This article was very helpful by the way:)
Irina says
Hi Vivian, I have been through this, too. Many abused daughters have to make this difficult decision and go no contact. One day, I called mom to say that I was coming to visit her, she attacked me with such aggression that my world collapsed and I felt so sick that I decided to distance myself from her. We didn’t talk directly for a year. It was not to punish her but to help myself to heal.
Do you feel like your mental health, even survival is under the threat, you may need to take a break.
If you have more questions, don’t hesitate to write me an email. And thank you for your comment – I’m glad that the article helped you.
Take care.
Love,
Irina
Kenzie says
My mother is Manic Bi-polar. She has emotionally and mentally abused me since I was a child. Now as a mother, I need to heal these wounds and stop letting her abuse me. She’s in and out of my life. I set firm boundaries when she acts out. But eventually have her back in from feeling guilt. I live in the past and have so much anger for not knowing I was constantly being abused.
Irina says
How could you know? Kids think that the lives they live are normal, that everyone lives that way. It takes years of experience to figure out that what happened to you wasn’t right, and that wasn’t your fault. If your mother still abuses you, you must keep the boundaries in check, for your own sake and the sake of your children. Maybe a nudge of guilt now and then is not that high a price to pay for the peace of mind? Do you also have good times with your mother, or is it always the same? Your mother’s illness may help you understand her, but it is not an excuse for the abuse. Take care. 🤗
Shelley says
I’m 54. No siblings and one parent- my mother but she kicked me out of her life when she thought she was dying but wants me back since to continue to insult.
My root is that I find myself difficult for others to love as I’m scared as I get close and push everyone away or make them not like me.
Any help welcome. Should I seek council?
Irina says
Your background taught you not to love and trust yourself, and those other people will let you down. It takes time to “unlearn” these belives, and let other people into your life, even if it’s scary. You could do it on your own, but counseling could be a great support. Look for a counselor or a licensed psychologist with training in childhood/developmental trauma. It’s time to leave the past behind where it belongs and move on with your life, different from what your mother may have wanted for you. The life you want. You can do it. Take care!
Courtney says
This brought me to tears of happiness just knowing that I’m not alone in how I feel and what I have survived.
Irina says
No, you are so not alone. Welcome into our sisterhood! 🤗 Take good care of yourself and remember that we’re here to support you whenever you need. ❤️
Antoinette says
I feel like I’ve just come home ❤️ I’m 61 almost and I have ONLY just discovered the name for MY PAIN💔… I literally mean JUST!!!as in tonight in the past two hours … I’m speechless and cannot stop crying 😭😭😭 sad thing is …. it’s not only from sadness …. it’s also from relief!! I’m so clear yet so conflicted…
Irina says
At least, you know know that it’s not you; you understand what causes your pain. I can feel it – your pain, sadness, confusion, and so much more. Because realizing the truth of this caliber is huge, and it’s tough at any age. It awakens so many emotions, and they need to be processed. Crying, morning what is lost or has never been, is a good start. NAd hey, sixty today is not an old age (at least, I don’t feel old yet!), and you have time to change your life around if it’s what you want, to learn, heal, and live your life with joy – you deserve it! Hang out there, and take slowly. Lots of hugs and love. 💕🧡
Andrea says
I have been no contact from my engulfing narcissistic mother for about 7 years. I’m on the waiting list for therapy, but in the meantime I’m really struggling with being productive when I am on my own. I do much better at the weekends when my husband is home, but when I’m home alone or with our son, I just struggle to get on with anything. Any help or advice you can offer will be greatly appreciated as it’s really affecting my life.
Irina says
I’m sorry to hear that, and I would love to help you. At the same time, I know too little about your situation to give any advice. I need to learn and understand a few things to be able to help.
I offer different service levels, and if you are interested, we could have a free 15-minute call so you can share more about your situation and then decide if working together would help you move in the desired direction.
You are welcome to contact me by email irina@lovegrowbehappy[at]com
Karyn says
I am 61 , my mother was not like other mothers and I didn’t like her and didn’t want to be like her. When I had my son I needed help I didn’t get from her s I got a degree n child development.
She hated talking about my work or any mental health healing topic… she read murder mysteries novels and talked word for word about them that was her only entertainment, it was awful being around her.
I have raised a beautiful caring successful son…my mother has neglected him abandoned him as she has me to give all her attention to my younger brother and his daughter and wife.
My mother wouldn’t tell where my other brother was when he was dying and she took all his money and gave away his belongings ten years ago and i have not seen her since.
She is giving everything to them I am not even in her will.
When she dies and this occurs I am afraid of myself and what I might fo because of the pain… I need financial help so badly you see and my brother is wealthy.
I wish I could prevent this future scenario but how?
My mother is so so cruel she abuses her grandson who still tries to see her attempting to have his only nana…but I worry for him too.
Irina says
As far as I can see, your troublesome situation has many layers, and the financial layer complicates it tremendously. I’m sorry to say, but as long as you have hope, no matter how tiny it is, to get money from your mother, you will not be free. For your sake, I hope you figure out other ways to improve your finances because trying to control your mother’s behavior will only bring more hurt into your life. Please, take care.
bubbly says
Dear Irina,
Thank you for your article. Im 46 years old, a daughter of a narcissistic mother, I managed to forgive her before she died. She has been a great teacher. But not one of love and nurture let me assure you. I have good awareness, but how do I actually heal from this blueprint of low self worth, feeling unworthy, unlovable, I struggle in life….. I also have a condition called fibromyalgia which I believe is a direct result of childhood trauma. can you ever REALLY recover from this?
Irina says
Dear Bubbly,
Good awareness is the first step. Amazing. As daughters of narcissistic mothers, we have many wounds, and we heal them one by one. It is a process that will take time and patience. You know where your weakness lies. Now you must figure out what you want to achieve. What are your goals? Make them very specific. For example, I want to say no to people trying to take advantage of me. Then pick one and start working on it—a little, every day. If you haven’t seen my courses yet, check them out. Knowledge and support will undoubtedly help to heal.
Warmly,
Irina
Jeane DeVries says
To say that my relationship with my mother was “complicated” would be an understatement. I’m 66 years old and my mom passed this past January. I’ve only just learned that I have a “mother wound,” which explains SO much about how messed up I’ve been my entire life. I’m grateful that I’ve discovered this website (and others) which will enable me to finally get my shit together and understand why things were the way they were for so damn long, and that I’m not crazy. I only forgave my mother in the last few years of her life as she had Alzheimers and had become so pathetic that it felt unfair to stay angry at her. But, that forgiveness also took a huge load off of my shoulders. I now know that forgiveness was but the very first baby step in the process of finding my true self without all the labels that she bestowed upon me.
Irina says
There are similarities in how we go through healing. However, each of us has our own unique path. Forgiveness was the last step I took. For you, it was the first. For some, awareness comes earlier, and for others, later. What matters most is that you know now that you are not crazy and can have peace of mind.
I wish you a happy journey toward being yourself and living your own life; it will be rewarding.
Much love.
Nancy says
Our mom has suggested 3 times she may commit suicide or die for attn. I’m the SG where I was golden child for years. I was Always there for all fam events but also solving her problems . Dad enabled her and somewhat appeased her but now has passed.
I’m low contact now after she got mad when I gave her my boundaries. My sister, the GC keeps telling me to keep messaging her. ( sister still recovering brain tumor surgery. So I’m thinking this is her still not in real world yet)
I’ve messaged her over basic things like ‘I’m sorry your friend Joyce died’ ‘ Its cold out. Are you staying warm?’ With no response from her. Only barraging me with ‘ are you going to be her for the reading of the will?’ ‘ ‘Adults kids fight over inheritance but no one fights over who’s going to take care of sick elderly mother.’
I visited her on Thanksgiving day and she treated me like a stranger. Only talked to GC and my dau who she adores. I’m fine not talking to her to protect myself but my hairs falling out.
She was horrible to my sister in law recently causing her to cry bec of stress she and my bro are under. .
Both sister and bro see the Narc. How long go low contact? Thx
Irina says
I suggest you answer the question: why do you maintain a relationship with your mother? Consider all the reasons – it may help you answer your question.
YaDevi says
If my mom read this article and all the comments, she’d say we’re all a bunch of babies who need to grow up and get tough. That proves she has no empathy. Because all of this hits too close to home for her and other emotional abusers.
I’ve stopped trying to please and fix her. I’m busy learning what makes me feel alive.
Irina says
What a great plan! Fixing someone is never going to work but doing what is good for you will help you to heal.
Thank you for sharing. 💕